Will it soon be possible for an active professional footballer to come out as gay? In an anonymously published letter, a British Premier League professional talks about his two lives, the daily struggle and the fear of coming out. The player is supported by the Justin Fashanu Foundation, which also published the letter. In 1990, Justin Fashanu was the first active footballer in Great Britain to come out – eight years later he took his own life.

In the letter, which was published by the daily newspaper “The Mirror” among others, the footballer anonymously addresses executives and fans of football clubs and speaks of his inner conflict and the daily torments he is subjected to. Neither his manager nor his team mates know about his homosexuality – he is only outed to a few family members and friends. But he also expresses his hope that he can come out to his colleagues “in the near future”.

“As a kid, all I ever wanted to be was a footballer. I wasn’t interested in doing well at school. Instead of doing homework, every spare minute I had was spent with a ball. In the end it paid off. […] However there is something that sets me apart from most of the other players in the Premier League. I am gay. Even writing that down in this letter is a big step for me.”

A few weeks ago, former British professional footballer Thomas Beattie came out as gay. The outing, like that of Thomas Hitzlsperger in 2014, took place after his active career. In the last few months, the number of coming out in professional sports has increased worldwide, including basketball (read here) and athletics (here). Not among them: the coming-out of an active professional footballer.

What’s to stop him from coming out in public?

It is one of the most discussed football topics in recent years: What would a gay football star have to put up with? The author of the letter makes it clear: At the moment it would simply still be too much. The published letter is also a cry for help. The player addresses the British professional football association, the PFA. Too little is being done that would really help to change football permanently, says the professional player.

“The Professional Footballers Association say they are ready to help a player to come out. And they have said they will offer counselling and support to anyone who needs it. This is missing the point. If I need a counsellor I can go and book a session with one whenever I want. What those running the game need to do is educate fans, players, managers, agents, club owners — basically everyone involved in the game. If I was to make that step I’d want to know that I would be supported at each step of my journey. Right now, I don’t feel I would be.”

Thomas Beattie (33) just came out as gay

So a public coming out is out of question for him? Yes, he explains. At least for now. He just doesn’t feel able to come out as an active player at the moment. He could not give up his career, football or financial independence. He makes it clear that he would like to stop living like that. But he has no choice: the reality, according to the football player, is that there are still a lot of prejudices in football. Homophobic chants and anti-gay comments from fans are the order of the day.

“From day to day it can be an absolute nightmare. And it’s affecting my mental health more and more. I feel trapped, and I fear that revealing the truth about who I am will only make things worse.”

He has also had to do without a loving relationship and a partner who gives him strength, the professional says.

“But one thing I am missing is companionship. I am at an age where I would love to be in a relationship. But because of the job I do the level of trust in having a long-term partner has to be extremely high. So, at the moment, I avoid relationships at all. I dearly hope I will soon meet someone who I think I will be able to trust enough.”

His current plan is to remain active for as long as he can mentally cope with the balancing act – and to come out publicly as soon as he retires. He doesn’t know how long he can stand the situation and still play actively. The anonymous letter writer praises Thomas Beattie. His coming out last month was a great sign. The support of the Justin Fashanu Foundation also helped him a lot to cope with the effects of the situation on his psyche. However, the strain is still sometimes almost unbearable. The professional footballer closes his letter with the words

“But you can’t put a price on your peace of mind. And I don’t want to live like this forever.”

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